Being

Sometimes what is clear is that things aren't always supposed to be clear.

Instead of thinking, being.

Being.

The Way

I immersed myself in the Tao Te Ching this morning. These words spoke to me today:

Verse 44:

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
The whole world belongs to you.

Verse 77:

The Master can keep giving
because there is no end to her wealth.
She acts without expectation,
succeeds without taking credit,
and doesn't think that she is better
than anyone else.

Yep.

Friday night

I have been seeking deep moral and spiritual answers this week. I have worked good and hard.

This evening, a quick, refreshing nap.

Tonight, a review of my closet as I plan my trip to Paris less than two weeks away. An escape into TV. Relaxation as I head into a weekend that is all mine.

A fine Friday night.

Working dreams

Those American Express print ads continue to inspire me. In this week's issue of New York magazine, there are full-page ones by M. Night Shyamalan and Martin Scorcese. The highlights:

Shyamalan:

Wildest dream ... Living in the South of France and writing a novel
Proudest moment ... When I see my children overcome fear
My life ... is about finding time to dream

Scorcese:

First job ... Loading cardboard boxes on an assembly line at a vitamin factory - Summer 1962
Inspiration ... Other filmmakers
My life ... still working on it

Creatives never rest. They're making art even in stillness.

I am

I am on a path.
I am on a roll.
I am on a mission.
I am abundant.
I am prosperous.
I am strong.

And so it is.

Music

Today I heard a beautiful, hearty laugh I hadn't heard in a long time.

It felt just right.

Raisin reasoning

So I'm back to the Raisin Bran, the organic one that comes with the separate, stay-fresh pack of raisins in the box. I bought a box on Thursday and there was no pack of raisins. Just tasty flakes.

Now it was just a few weeks ago that there were two packs of raisins in my box and it gave me a sense of abundance to sprinkle twice as many raisins on my cereal. I took that as a sign.

So musn't I read the lack as a sign as well?

While picking up some items at the grocery store yesterday, it occurred to me that I could just buy a big package of raisins and keep it in my cabinet. That would accomplish two things:

1. I could put as many or as few raisins in my cereal as I wanted every morning.
2. My sense of abundance wouldn't be reliant on an outside source. It would come from me.

But then, that's really only one reason, isn't it?

Life's classroom

Friday night I attended a celebration/roast for a professor who changed the course of my life. He is retiring after 33 years teaching journalism at Trenton State College (can't bring myself to use the new name in this context). It was wonderful to see hundreds of people turn out for a man who has gone so far out of his way to impart his special brand of wisdom and fire.

You would think after courting me into sports journalism, setting up an interview for me at a daily newspaper long after I'd quit college and encouraging me throughout my entire career, there would be little left I could get from Dr. Robert Cole. But Friday night I heard story after story about his availability to students when they needed guidance. One professor and former department head got up and told a story about a student who, when asked on an evaluation form the most valuable thing he had learned at the college, wrote down Dr. Cole's phone number.

It made me think about my own availability to my life coaching clients and former clients. Has it been all that it can be? The same for friends and family. Could I be more available? Flexible? Sometimes people reach out at times that are less than convenient. How have I handled that?

The next day I was at my parents' house waiting for my sister to arrive and watching TV with my father. I caught the end of a John Wayne-Marlene Dietrich movie with him. Then he grabbed the remote and stopped on The History Channel, where they were airing a documentary about the Scopes trial that was fascinating. Again, I fould myself questioning my own flexibility and openness. I would never have watched either program on my own.

Topping off the weekend was a spiritual revelation that came over me like a wave this morning. It is about abundance and gifts and how to receive with grace.

It was a whopper of a weekend.

The reason why

Yesterday:

-- I was supposed to get my hair cut and my stylist got the time mixed up. I left Manhattan as shaggy as when I had arrived in the morning.

-- My plans for celebratory margaritas with a friend were postponed, meaning, much to my disappointment, my full evening suddenly became open.

-- I put on sweats, got a cup of coffee, walked to the waterfront and gazed at the gorgeous scene from a bench. I called a steady, spiritual friend and had a good conversation. I went deep into thought. I felt peaceful.

Today:

-- I met with a life coaching client. We were supposed to have a phone session, but I switched it to in person because he lives in the same neighborhood as my hair stylist (she was able to fit me in this evening). He was in a low place. He clearly needed steadiness, frankness and some tough love.

-- I left Manhattan with saucy hair, certain this had all happened so one person could help another in need.

Frank talk

Today I had one of my favorite rites of passage for spring -- the Gray's Papaya Recession Special. Two hot dogs with sauerkraut and mustard and a Diet Coke for $2.75. I don't know what they put in the mustard, but it's a perfect blend of mild with a teensy kick. The hot dogs are right up there with the best I've ever had. Standing at the counter watching the bustle of 72nd Street and Broadway is part of the experience.

Yep, it's spring.

Miraculous

I received some news today that will completely change my financial life. I have cried tears of joy at a fresh start. I am sitting with it and letting it wash over me.

My oh my oh my.

And so it is.

Elsie in Chelsea

OK, so things are still going my way. Cool things. Blessings. I'm riding it.

And Liza with a Z is still reverberating in my mind. Hence, the fab lyrics to Cabaret:

What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret.

Put down the knitting,
The book and the broom.
Time for a holiday.
Life is Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret.

Come taste the wine,
Come hear the band.
Come blow your horn,
Start celebrating;
Right this way,
Your table's waiting

No use permitting
some prophet of doom
To wipe every smile away.
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret!

I used to have a girlfriend
known as Elsie
With whom I shared
Four sordid rooms in Chelsea

She wasn't what you'd call
A blushing flower...
As a matter of fact
She rented by the hour.

The day she died the neighbors
came to snicker:
"Well, that's what comes from too much pills and liquor."
But when I saw her laid out like a Queen
She was the happiest...corpse...I'd ever seen.

I think of Elsie to this very day.
I'd remember how'd she turn to me and say:
"What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Come to the Cabaret."

And as for me,
I made up my mind back in Chelsea,
When I go, I'm going like Elsie.
Start by admitting
From cradle to tomb
Isn't that long a stay.
Life is a Cabaret, old chum,
Only a Cabaret, old chum,
And I love a Cabaret!

Weekend banter

Just back from the Easter weekend with family. Some thoughts/observations:

-- My niece (2) and nephew (4) were spunky and adorable and pretty funny to watch in action. It's always interesting to see my siblings in their parental role when for so long I simply knew them as my quick-witted, fun, dependable brother and sister.
-- It's always a trip to run errands in "retirement" land, where folks drive slowly, speak loudly and get their feisty on.
-- Mom and I watched Liza with a Z and it was great! Several numbers gave me goosebumps. The woman is fabulous. She wears a red sequined micro mini in several numbers and her legs go on forever. The Cabaret finale is spectacular. That's bang for the buck right there.
-- I took a ride to the beach in Lavallette this morning after breakfast. Gorgeous weather and a nice cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee made for a dreamy walk. It spurred all kinds of wonderful ideas.
-- It is nice to be back on my hardwood floors, back to a land where I can walk with shoes on. The concept of carpeting that can't be walked on with shoes is so foreign and ludicrous to me. Let's just say Mom and I have very different ideas on the comfots of day-to-day living. We talked about them a little bit and laughed. What a hoot.
-- I was home in time for The Sopranos. Yippee.
-- Back to my routine tomorrow. Yippee.

Order

Nothing like a little light "housekeeping" to make me feel like I've got it together.

-- My lingerie has been diligently handwashed.
-- My bag for Easter weekend with family is mostly packed.
-- My business emails are all up-to-date.
-- My bills are in order.
-- My Rose of Jericho is in fresh water.

Yes, yes. My ducks are in a row. Good for me.

Back in the day

Just had a pleasant surprise. A call from a former sports writer who covered the Jersey college scene at the same time I did. She was always a hoot and nothing's changed on that front. How do you not laugh when reminiscing about road trips to Iowa and Oklahoma City?

We wondered if we could do now what we did then. Write up against deadline every single night. Weave a compelling story around the facts and figures that had to be there.

So cool to think about those times. So cool.

Raisins and quarters

So a few weeks ago I bought this organic brand of Raisin Bran. I'm always in search of a good, healthy cereal. I pour it into the bowl one morning and I see flakes but no raisins. I pull the clear bag of cereal out of the box and look and there are no raisins. Annoyed, I pour it and eat it anyway since I have no other choices in the house for breakfast.

A few days later, I finish the box and as I go to throw it away, it seems a little heavy. Lo and behold, there's a stay-fresh foil pack of raisins lying in the bottom of the box. I laugh out loud, glad I didn't bring it back to the store like I had contemplated.

I enjoyed it enough to buy it again, this time wise to the stay-fresh pack. The next morning I opened the box and, lo and behold, two packs of raisins. Let's just say I've had some very raisin-y Raisin Bran for breakfast. The Universe is showering me with abundance from every front, it seems.

Recently I laughingly told someone the Universe was throwing money at me. This evening, I went to the laundromat and did three loads of wash. I put the required 10 quarters in the machine, but when I pushed the lever in, two of them popped out and hit my arm. I went to put them back in the slot, but realized the machine was already filling with water, doing its thing with my dark clothes. It gave me the 50 cents back.

Mamma mia. So freakin' cool.

Great gratitude

I am feeling so blessed and so grateful for so many things right now I'm almost breathless. I have been putting out so many thoughts and wishes that have come to fruition right before my eyes. From the small and mundane to the sweeping and life-altering. It's just beautiful and gratifying.

I am currently re-reading one of the best gifts I've ever received: The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn by none other than Florence Scovel Shinn, a meta-physician and lecturer. Some excerpts:

If one asks for success and prepares for failure, he will get the situation he has prepared for. For example: A man came to me asking me to speak the word that a certain debt would be wiped out. I found he spent his time planning what he would say to the man when he did not pay his bill, thereby neutralizing my words. He should have seen himself paying the debt.

Man must prepare for the thing he has asked for, when there isn't the slightest sign of it in sight.

Man can only receive what he sees himself receiving.

I am abundant. I am prosperous. I am deserving. I am.

And so it is.

Splendid splurge

I am high on shopping today.

Back in December, I bought myself a ring with birthday money -- brass with shining stones in the shape of a daisy. It was a symbolic purchase since the main character in my book is named Daisy. Well, every time I wear it my finger turns green. (Not sure if I want to know what the Universe is telling me on that one.) Today I brought it back to the store. After a bit of wrangling (read: charm) with the saleswoman (she may have, in fact, been the jewelry designer) at ABC Carpet and Home, I got a store credit. Free money! Birthday money, to boot! For a store that is a virtual treasure trove.

What I walked out of there with filled me with joy. First I found a tiny heart-shaped pin covered in little red and pink beads. Then I hit the Indian silk print accessories and was drawn to them like a bee to honey. My eyes popped at the sight of a two-toned pink scarf with light fringing. I held it next to my face and knew it was coming home with me. Finally, in the same section, a handbag made of Indian silk in four blocked sections.

Such an extravagant trio of purchases. I can't wait to wear them all. A splendid splurge.

My art

As I write my book and delve into wells of creativity I didn't know existed in me, I feel challenged and euphoric. Drawing from my life and my imagination in tandem. It's how it's supposed to be.

My art is a rush. A glorious rush. I love to tap in.

Testing, testing ...

The Universe is having some fun with me today. I'm up to the challenge. Bring it.

Shining moment

All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.
All work and no play is making Nancy a dull girl.

Yiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkes ...

Cafe moments

Scenes from a Manhattan cafe at 7:50 a.m.:

-- I walk in to get my morning coffee. The guy knows my order. It occurs to me that I deposited my paycheck the day before but forgot to hit the cash machine. I have exactly $1 in my wallet. The coffee is $1.35. How embarrassing, I think, to have to charge it. I look down at that moment and there is a dollar bill at my feet. I pick it up and pay for my coffee with 65 cents to spare. Man, I love that.

-- I sit down with my coffee and my morning pages journal, as I do most mornings. Two tables over, there are two 40-ish guys having a conversation in Italian. One of them checks me out rather blatantly. I try to concentrate on my writing. I understand nothing they say to each other except "Marilyn Monroe" and "fox." Man, why didn't I ever learn Italian?

Life is funny, I think.

House vote

In a little while I'll be watching House. It's this little addiction I've developed since watching it with my mother a few months ago. I had never heard of it, but my brother had been hooked for a while.

A person who typically eschews all things medical, I am (ironically) hooked on a TV show that gets deep into the intricacies of medicine. I think what I like best is the well-drawn main character, a brilliant visionary in his field but also addicted to pain killers. Played by actor Hugh Laurie, he's sarcastic and blunt and arrogant, but the latter is neutralized by the fact that he walks his talk. The man diagnoses rare disorders and stops at nothing to get to the bottom of medical mysteries. The supporting cast is excellent.

With surefire intellectual stimulation, drama to beat the band, and resolution in an hour, how could it not be compelling?

That's entertainment.

Aix factor

So I've been doing a little research on Aix en Provence since I'll be visiting there next month and I found out it is known for, among other things, its many fountains and being the birthplace of painter Paul Cezanne. Hence this beautiful quote:

In Aix, a blindman could believe that it was raining, but if he could see without his stick, he would marvel at a hundred blue fountains singing a song of praise to Cézanne.
--Jean Cocteau

Soul food

My spirit is feeling very nourished these days. I have been going deeper within, as so much is swirling around me that requires an elevated level of understanding and introspection.

Illumination, answers, they come at me swiftly when I am this open. As does a feeling of abundance.

I seize upon times like this. Treasure them.

And so it is.

Soundtrack

Last night I was in a lounge in Manhattan having a drink with a friend. The music made me stop and wonder who was singing. They were mostly Sinatra classics, but it wasn't Sinatra. I immediately thought of Michael Buble.

My friend and I kept talking, but I kept stopping because I liked the music so much. Songs that brought me back to childhood and my father's collection that he played all the time. One after another. So I finally went and asked the bartender, who was snapping his fingers and singing along. He didn't know either, but he checked for me and it was indeed Michael Buble.

Looks like a trip to a record store is in order. (Yes, I know it dates me to call it a record store, but hell. Isn't the music a dead giveaway anyway?)

I'm tapping my feet already.