Turning point

Today is one of those glorious self-employment days. The snow is coming down like mad and I'm watching it out my huge windows instead of battling it. Woohoo.

Meanwhile, my monthly newsletter is done and ready to go out tomorrow. I had a highly satisfying coaching session with a new client. I cleaned up my email files. And I've brainstormed some ideas for my new website, which is a work in progress.

It has been exhilarating the last few days to -- as the minister in church talked about yesterday -- "write my story" with passion and confidence. To follow through on ideas, be open to everything that crosses my path, to push past resistance. So good.

As a backdrop to all of this, I'm reading a book that had been sitting on my shelf for months. I was prompted to pick it up last week because of something a friend said in passing. It is Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, Ph.D. Frankly, I find it a bit mind-blowing that I decided to read it at this particular time, a time when (as my past posts on this blog attest) I've been questioning so much regarding my spirituality.

"Many of the people I encounter in my workshops are stuck between two worlds: the old world that they need to release and the new world that they are afraid to enter," Myss writes. "We are attracted to becoming more 'conscious,' but at the same time we find it frightening because it means we must take personal responsibility for ourselves -- and for our health, career, attitudes and thoughts."

It feels as if I've moved from the "frightening" part to the taking personal responsibility part just in the last week. That explains the exhilaration I described above and even the resistance I experienced earlier. Did you ever feel like you're at a real turning point in your life?

I have. I am.

Mom moment

I had an important moment with my mother the other day and it's been washing over me all weekend. She made a passing comment during a phone conversation Friday and I don't think she could have realized how much it meant to me.

First, some context. I grew up in a very critical environment and it had a great impact on who I became and am. When it got to the point where it was debilitating, I was smart enough to realize I had to do some inner work. As a result, some years ago I released the need for approval from family and learned to repel the criticism most of the time. It was and is an exhilarating feeling and it is the reason I have healthy, appreciative and loving relationships with family now.

That said, I have always seen my parents as people who understand so much about me, yet in some ways don't understand me at all. I've made peace with that paradox, too. But every so often, the people who raised me throw me a curve. In this case, it was Mom.

We were talking about my life's work, how harried I'm feeling these days despite liking my job at the senior center and loving life coaching. I was telling her how mixed I am about leaving the senior center when my stint there ends, since it is a short-term gig. I conjectured about the possibility of somehow staying.

"But if you stayed at the senior center, would you be able to make a go of your coaching?" Mom asked. "Wouldn't it take too much of your time?"

Pow. In a flash, Mom hit on the issue that was gnawing at my gut. In fact, wasn't I somewhere, deep down inside, feeling a long-term job at the senior center would be a copout? And at what point did my mother, who like most parents favors financial security over "follow your bliss" when it comes to employment, begin to comprehend how much life coaching means to me? I had no idea she understood. None.

There are so many lessons here, not the least of which is this: Don't underestimate people.

Reading

I find I don't read enough books lately. I go in and out of reading phases and I've been in a place where I simply don't take the time. So I think instead of blogging today I'm going to just turn off the computer and pick up a book.

How do you like them apples?

La-La Land

Purge and renew. That is today's startling credo.

Sometimes I talk about manifesting and channeling and feeling my own power and I wonder deep down inside if it's not just a little bit nutty. You know, airy fairy mumbo jumbo la-la land thinking.

And then I have a day like today, a day where I haven't left my neighborhood, put on makeup or even made an effort beyond sweatpants and yet, magic. Answers coming at me in a flurry. Insights flashing like neon signs. Lightbulb moments of pristine clarity.

In its wake is a surefootedness in my actions like I haven't experienced in a while. Suddenly the physical, emotional and spiritual issues I've been having this last month all make sense and I feel propelled forward, buoyed by my own energy. So many people -- some knowingly, some unwittingly -- have had a hand in holding up a mirror to my face on this.

I've been wrestling with my God concept, my career path, my ability to love unabashedly, my attitude about money, my faith in self, my bodily functions. Yet it barely occurred to me, a life coach so good at honing in on this stuff in others, that these things could all be tightly enmeshed. That is what I saw in my morning pages today. How I am being tested, loved, taught, challenged in a myriad of ways. The answers were right there all the time.

Welcome to La-La Land.

Subway reading

What people were reading on my subway commute today:

The New York Times
The DaVinci Code
Jane Eyre
Sports Illustrated
William Sonoma catalog (she was absorbed in that thing!)
The New York Post
Red Storm Rising
A book written in French (couldn't see the title)
On The Road Again
A math textbook

Six words

Compassion - n. 1. Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. 2. The humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it.

Love - n. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. v. To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.

Prosperous - adj. Having success; flourishing.

Wealth - n. 1. The state of being rich and affluent; having a plentiful supply of material goods and money. 2. The quality of profuse abundance.

Rich - adj. 1. Possessing great material wealth. 2. Magnificent; sumptuous, 3. Having an abundant supply.

Spirit - n. 1. The vital principle or animating force within living things. 2 A fundamental emotional and activating principle determining one's character.

Just some words I've been thinking about.

???????????

I'm questioning, questioning, questioning today.

Questioning God.

Questioning life.

Questioning people.

Questioning abundance.

Questioning knowledge.

Questioning purpose.

Questioning what it all means.

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A perfect day

This morning, on my way back from an appointment, I decided I needed the day to be cleared for "me" time. I wanted to nest, get some work done on my computer, digest some emotional and spiritual insights I've had the last few days, and nurture my weary body. There were two obstacles to this happening -- I had a 4 p.m. meeting with a potential client and the writing class I teach in the adult education program was set to begin tonight.

I figured I could easily move the meeting, but the class was a sure obligation. But by the time I got home the universe had taken care of both. There was a message that the class was cancelled due to the weather and I had an email asking for a postponement of the meeting. Fabulous! Every ounce of me felt joy and relief that I could concentrate on my "stuff."

So it has been a relaxing and productive day. I have also done some inner work and identified a lingering resentment that I'm now working through to some kind of peaceful resolution. And on top of it all, I have had a profound personal insight around love that will change my life.

A perfect day, courtesy of the universe.

Spiritual overload

I reached a spiritual saturation point today. That happens to me periodically. I open my mind, I expose myself to learning, I listen to new viewpoints. And I'm proud of that, especially because I would not have been open even five years ago.

The thing that's tricky is that I try to not only hear the new information but process it and embody it. But what happens when I open the channels, too much comes in and I feel like I've hit overload? I can tell you. Everything starts to sound like la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

After going to my usual Sunday service this morning, I went with friends to hear a renowned spiritual teacher and author this evening. I realized after just a few minutes there was a disconnect. The best way I can describe it is she and I are not on the same wavelength. She doesn't speak to me. I had to keep bringing myself back to stay in the moment.

What's tough about this for me is it seemed everyone around me in this sizable auditorium was captivated and engaged. It made me keep wondering what I was missing. Sometimes I think I need to be more accepting of myself and not question what boils down to personal taste.

Meanwhile, earlier today I ran across a quote I like from Jerry Spence: I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

Amen.

Clients

I got a phone call yesterday from a woman who had had a coaching consultation with me two years ago. She didn't hire me at the time, but made it clear it was because she couldn't afford my services.

The funny thing is, when I was in coaching training three years ago we were taught it's never about the money. The mantra was, if a person is interested in being coached, they'll find the money. I could never align with that. Coaching is just too much of a luxury for some people.

So imagine how validating it was to get a call from someone who had experienced a consultation with me and was back TWO YEARS later. She said she was now ready for a full coaching series. I remember really liking her and wanting to work with her, so it was a no-brainer to put an appointment in the book for next week.

My coaching practice seems to go in cycles. I'm in another upswing and love how it feels. A big fat Thank You to the universe.

Inspiration

There was a guided meditation event at the senior center yesterday afternoon. I was intrigued by the idea, wondering how many senior citizens would be open to the possibilities of "going within." About 25 people showed up and most were very much engaged with Itzhak, our leader. He set them up in a circle, talked for a bit, then began the meditation portion of his presentation.

It was a lovely meditation. He did some drumming and then took us into a forest, over a bridge, into a cave and face-to-face with an animal. He encouraged us to interact with the animal, give it a gift, receive a gift, ask it what it could teach us. After he brought us "back" to the room, he went around and asked each person to share what he or she had experienced.

What a fascinating array of responses he got! There were those who were indignant and huffy at the fact that they didn't see an animal. There were those who feared they did something wrong because they didn't see an animal. And then there were those who saw a llama, a monkey, a cat or felt particularly restful.

Gabriela told a beautiful story of seeing a leopard. It had no gift for her. She had no gift for it. When she asked what it could teach her, it said, "You have everything you need." She seemed uplifted by that, as was Itzhak. It felt right, knowing what I know about Gabriela. She uses a walker. She looks very frail. But her mind is sharp and there is no treating her like she is frail. She teaches opera. She is very active at the center either facilitating or planning events in the areas of music and literature. She conducts a discussion group on Dante's Divine Comedy in her home every week. She is bringing in a friend to teach Shakespearean sonnets next month. What a woman.

I shared my experience of seeing a bird. I had no gift to give it. We had no conversation. But as it flew away it dropped a feather in front of me. Itzhak asked me what color the bird was. "White, with some gray and black shadings," I said. "Ah, white birds represent inspiration," he said with a smile.

I smiled, too. Irresistably.

My SVU habit

Let's talk about the addictive quality of Law and Order, Special Victims Unit. Because, honestly, I could loop it for hours and not get bored and I'm fascinated by that.

There's definitely that aspect only television offers -- the presentation of a problem that gets resolved in an hour. There's something very appealing about that, probably because life's issues are typically ongoing and must be dealt with thoroughly and continuously.

Also, I can't discount the fact that the crimes presented on the show are particularly sexual and/or heinous. Why am I drawn to that? I may be at a point in life where I can deal with life's harshness. I used to prefer a bit of a Pollyanna existence, steer clear of the grit. But now I'm choosing it as part of my entertainment? Hmmmmmm.

Since this is a recent "addiction" for me, I think I can also attribute it to my current life transition. So much is shifting beneath my feet. It's one of those disconcerting, yet ultimately exhilarating times that life dishes up once in a while. Sweeping change. Insidious change. All kinds of change.

So why not spend a neat hour watching some detectives solve crimes to escape for a while? I refuse to be a TV apologist. Sometimes it just feels good.

Here and there

Some random thoughts:

I found another feather on the ground today. My persistent message continues: Write, Nancy, write. Yet I'm in quite a resistant phase.

I had an insight this evening. I've been having a lot of issue with the word "God" lately. Not the being, but the word. Something about it conjures up my "old" God concept, the one who is punishing and judgmental and hierarchical. Something to work through, I think.

I am holding lightly my thoughts around my part-time job and how much longer I will be there. I do my job well. Whatever else is, is.

That's it for today.

Loved

I spent the afternoon with someone I love today. He is sweet and wise, spiritual and delightfully wicked. His smile is disarming, his laugh hearty and contagious. He's a wonderful listener, loyal as can be, an engaging conversationalist, and cute as a button.

Some of my favorite moments of the last year have been sitting at a table with this man sharing thoughts over lunch or tea or drinks. We've strolled Manhattan neighborhoods, combed through bookstores and gone dancing into the wee hours.

Today we had a leisurely lunch, did some shopping, sat in Starbucks as the rain pelted the sidewalks around Penn Station. It was sooooooo nice. I feel so blessed.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Sunday spirit

Sundays have become a treasure. I begin the day with immersion of spirit in a service that feels celebratory and inspirational. Today's message -- beautifully and passionately delivered -- was about preparing yourself to "give birth" or be ready for that which you want to create. It was about the connection of the emotional and physical.

In addition to the actual message, I can't help but be blown away by the messenger each and every week. This woman kicks some serious butt when she works a room. And, make no mistake about it, she works that room. What an engaging, gifted minister she is.

Then I get to top it all off by spending the afternoon with friends, discussing the message, usually walking around a Manhattan neighborhood or sitting in a cafe. Today we went to SoHo and just wandered and window shopped. I tried on a pair of sleek black pumps and it felt fine. A whole different kind of spiritual.

What a tone I've set for my week. Each and every week. Good for me.

Introspection

I didn't plan it this way, but today has turned out to be a highly introspective day. Between a class I'm taking and a class I'm teaching, I found myself delving into my "stuff" an awful lot as I prepped my homework assignments.

Sometimes I feel like all this self-improvement can be tedious. But that usually gives way to a better state of mind, one of understanding and ultimately joy. I like knowing why I behave a certain way so I can be mindful for next time. I like giving thought to a particularly strong reaction I've had to something and getting to the heart of it. It comes so naturally to me. (Nice attribute for a life coach, I'd venture to say.)

So, today's insights in a nutshell? I have a lot of fear! It must be worked through. Also, I love how this quote aligns with my God concept: "... a collective of higher forces moving us toward our highest good."

Hmmmmm ... nice.

Feathery signs

How does that song go? Signs, signs, everywhere are signs -- is that it? Methinks it is.

Here's what I have manifested today. I walked to a cafe to meet a member of my networking group for coffee this morning. A feather blew into my path. I smiled and picked it up. Hours later, I was heading to a photocopy store on the same block. There, on the ground, was another feather. I was compelled to pick it up.

I wrote about this happening to me several months ago. As a writer, I love what feathers represent or perhaps what they conjure up for me. Quills. Bottles of ink. Fine old writing. Such beauty of expression.

All I know is this. The mantra playing in my head today because of these two feathers was once again, "Write, Nancy, write."

Hmmmmm. Is there a pattern here? How does the song go? Can't you read the signs??????

Universe-al wisdom

Today I'm starting to wonder if I'm not experiencing another prime example of how magically and yet insidiously the universe can work. Sometimes it just struts its stuff and says, "Look, you're in need of a nudge and I'm about to provide it. So here comes an opportunity. See it. Recognize it. Grab it."

It is that kind of feeling that led me to attend college, to a distinguished career in sports writing, to web producing, to television producing, to life coaching, to an urban lifestyle, to a New Thought church. Now I think something new is brewing. I'm open. I'm intrigued. I'm seeing.

Bring it on.

Age old realizations

I work as a program coordinator at a senior citizens' center on the Upper West Side. It is four floors of vibrant, varied activities and it blows me away every day I'm there.

If I'm not sitting in a discussion group, setting up a classic movie, peeking in on a dancercize class or interacting with wonderful people, I'm on the phone planning activities to keep the calendar chock full of culture, movement and intellect. Today I booked a lecture on impressionism through the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I'm awaiting a callback to finalize a talk on Shakespearean sonnets. There are thank you letters to be written, flyers to be created, ideas to be generated.

Aside from all this, I am learning what life can look like as a senior citizen. It is utterly inspiring and eye-opening to see even those with challenging health issues show up to learn, be entertained, and socialize with their peers. There are some volunteering, others helping less mobile members to get around. Some have led fascinating lives and have wonderful stories to tell.

I believe I was led there for, among others, this reason: to feel very, very rich.

Repeat after me

Some affirmations:

I deserve my own path to prosperity.

I am abundant in every good way.

I am ready and fully equipped to bring my writing and wisdom to the masses.

And so it is.

Morning pages

I've been writing morning pages a la Julia Cameron on and off for about five years now. The idea is to write three pages, stream of consciousness, to start the day. All kinds of things come out of this, depending on my frame of mind, determination, discipline and, often, spiritual awareness.

Lately the MPs have become magical. I'm in a groove, in the zone, digging deep. I almost can't describe it, but I'm going to try. Simply put, I wind up solving problems. It might be a friendship issue or a professional one. Most recently I've been channeling pieces of my book. I let my mind go there and the ideas come pouring out. It is inexplicable to me how this process works, but it consistently produces clearer images and more focused ideas than almost any other brainstorm I've done around the book.

In turn, the universe gets wind of my thoughts and sends synchronous messages my way. For example, I came up with a name for a character in the book and I've been mulling over whether it's "right." Well, in the span of 36 hours, this fairly uncommon name crossed my path four times. I interpret that as a signal. The universe is saying, "Write, Nancy, write." It's rolling off my tongue. It's becoming my mantra.

I hear it when I find feathers in my path. I feel it when I hold a book in my hand that has conveyed a powerful message to me. I think it when I see nationally renowned speakers command a room. Those things all remind me I have something to say.

Write, Nancy, write.

In sync

I feel good. Don't you just love when that happens? Like there's some kind of flow and you're in sync with the weather and the events and the people around you.

It's the feeling of effecting your own change and being around others who are effecting theirs. Of putting aside any of life's "crap" for a period of time and living in the moment. There's a spiritual pureness in forgetting about deadlines and bills and setting the alarm clock and just being. Of banishing "should" from your vocabulary and throwing your arms in the air and telling the universe you're surrendering for a little while.

It says, "Take me. I trust you."

Money honey

I just finished sifting through my January receipts. I vowed this year I would get better at tracking my money. While I've already slipped a bit on keeping a written daily record, I'm proud to say I was diligent about saving receipts.

So now they're categorized and counted. I know how much I spent on food, entertainment, business expenses, etc. in January. I tallied my total monthly output in every area.

Whew. It's kind of mind-blowing to see the numbers in black and white. Satisfying, like I have more knowledge to help me plan moving forward. Plus, a friend had helped me tally December's figures and it's affirming to know they were very close to January's.

I feel like I deserve a reward for this. I always recommend that my clients reward themselves for doing tasks they find particularly arduous or unappealing. So why not me? Hmmmmm. What's it going to be? Something that doesn't require me to spend much money. (Duh)

I'll have to get back to you on that ...

Embrace

Did you ever feel like someone has you in an emotional and spiritual embrace that is more powerful and all-encompassing than any physical embrace ever could be?

That is what I feel today.

Late bloomers

I almost never watch Primetime Live. It simply doesn't occur to me most of the time. Tonight I channel surfed and happened on it. Diane Sawyer was interviewing Teri Hatcher and as each moment passed I was more enchanted.

I enjoyed watching Teri Hatcher as Lois Lane and thought she was a hoot in Seinfeld. Now, as Susan on Desperate Housewives, she's back in rare form. She just won the Golden Globe for her performance and was so real in her acceptance speech that she actually called herself a "has-been."

But here's why I really like her. She was barefoot for the interview. She talked about her flaws and about lying on her kitchen floor crying because she felt like a failure -- her marriage had ended, her career was flagging, she didn't have a new man in her life. She admitted that she tries on lots of outfits before a date. Even more real was her confession that in her mind she thinks men still see her as the insecure girl in eighth grade as opposed to the beautiful, vibrant, accomplished 40-something woman that she is.

Time for me to confess something. I just had a major insight -- epiphany? -- about myself this week that involved experiences from eighth and ninth grade. I know it sounds a bit silly, but I find it so validating to hear someone I respect and admire talk about reverting back like that. It was a rough time. I had little if any self-esteem. I was awkward. Withdrawn. I developed early and wasn't ready for the attention that came with it. And Teri Hatcher can relate.

In my Artist's Way class earlier tonight, I marveled at how my students talked about how carefree they felt at age eight (this was a discussion stemming from a homework exercise). I couldn't relate. Incredibly, I feel much freer now than I did as a child. I'm a late bloomer and, frankly, wouldn't trade it.

But it's interesting how some things trigger us and bring us right back to that place we're so happy to have left behind. Getting to the heart of it is almost surreal, like you can't believe you could be so warped as to revert to that gawky kid and her massive fears. Teri Hatcher told Diane Sawyer that her insecurities are just part of her makeup.

I like that kind of acceptance.

Snooping

I wrote my morning pages on the PATH train this morning. I was scrunched between two people reading newspapers. I blocked out everything around me. Suddenly I realized the guy to my right was not reading his newspaper at all. He was reading my notebook as I wrote.

All kinds of mischievous things ran through my head. I had thoughts of fabricating an S&M adventure. Or a tirade of curse words. Or simply writing, "The guy next to me is snooping as I write this."

But I resisted all of that, instead getting a chuckle at what he really was reading. I was writing about faith in self and how it's too often fleeting. I was ruminating yet again on the quote I wrote about in a previous post: "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." I just love that.

Maybe the guy thought I was a flake. Maybe I was passing on valuable information to someone who needed a dose of spiritual inspiration.

I'll never know.